The antidote to all your life problems

That's right, I have the antidote to all your life problems; your relationship problems, your career problems, your health problems, all of it.

(for the book list - scroll to the bottom of the page)

First off, do you notice something each one of these problems have in common?

Exactly! The word 'your', they are yours, they revolve around you - in fact your whole life revolves around you. You are the common denominator in everything that is to do with your life, true?

So then why do we sometimes feel like we don't matter?

This is proof that you do very much matter, simply because you exist.

That means the antidote to all your life problems starts with you!

Healing all areas of your life starts with you

Many people wonder how do I begin my healing journey? Where do I start to heal my relationships or progress in my career and be less reactive when triggered? There's one remedy that can begin to heal each one of these areas of our life.

The antidote is a mixture of self-awareness, presence and a sprinkle of self-compassion.

Actually make that a cup of self-compassion.

For some of us, looking inward is difficult or uncomfortable. Sometimes we do everything in our power to simply NOT be alone with our thoughts. We doom scroll social media, we play music or have the tv running in the background, we distract ourselves with friends and family and find ourselves absolutely 'too busy' to slow down, at times, to the point of burn out.

For many, the act of slowing down and spending time with ourselves is awkwardly confronting and intolerable.

The thing is, the more you've successfully avoided your inner world; your thoughts, emotions, wounds, and deepest desires, the more they've piled up and become overwhelming - like a garden untended for years. So naturally, it does feel overwhelming, but it's not too late.

Every outer situation is governed by our inner system. How we react to things, how we feel, what actions we take - or don't take - it's all a result of our inner workings.

We see everything through a lens; a filter of our past, personal experiences. Everything that has happened in our lives thus far shapes how we perceive the world around us, how we feel about things and how we respond.

Therefore, if we are aware of our thoughts, feelings, past wounds and reaction patterns we take back control.

Now, there are many things in our lives that are not within our control - but WE (ourselves) are not one of them. At times it feels like we have no control over our thoughts and feelings but that's because they've been left unattended for so long - that overgrown garden, remember?

If it's one thing we need to have our power and autonomy over, it's ourselves; mind, body and soul.

The connection between our thoughts, emotions, childhood wounds, and reaction patterns and our external situations has been a significant area of research in psychology, neuroscience, and behavioral science.

Here are some key concepts and research findings that illustrate this relationship:

1. Cognitive-Behavioral Theory (CBT)

Cognitive-behavioral theory posits that our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are deeply interconnected. Dysfunctional thinking patterns, often rooted in childhood experiences, can lead to emotional distress and maladaptive behaviors. CBT is a therapeutic approach that helps individuals identify and change these thought patterns to influence their emotions and actions positively. Beck, A.T. (1979). "Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders" provides foundational insights into how distorted thinking patterns, often established in childhood, can govern emotional responses and behaviors in adulthood.

2. Attachment Theory

Attachment theory suggests that early relationships with caregivers shape our patterns of attachment, which influence how we relate to others throughout life. Secure attachments lead to healthy relationships, while insecure attachments (e.g., anxious or avoidant) can result in problematic interpersonal behaviors and emotional regulation issues.

3. Neuroscience of Emotion Regulation

Neuroscience research has shown that our brain’s limbic system (especially the amygdala) plays a critical role in how we process emotions. Early life stressors and traumas can lead to changes in brain structures, influencing how we react to stress and regulate emotions later in life.

And there are many more, so although it may be uncomfortable at first, facing your inner world can be one of the most transformative and helpful things you do for yourself in this life.

Building your self-awareness around why you react in some ways, or what you're feeling in any given moment, gives you the opportunity to change habits and tendencies that are not serving you.

If your inner garden is tremendously overgrown and there are a lot of thorns and nettles, you might consider roping in support of a professional. Approaching your inner landscape through therapy is a great place to start.

We need the self-compassion because we're often way too critical towards ourselves.

Our inner critics are often getting away with saying things that we would NEVER say to others. The thing is, there is a reason behind every reaction and every behavior we illicit - not an excuse, but a reason. Just like with children, it's much more helpful to kindly and gently address the root issue than just criticize or scold the surface behavior. When we can be more compassionate towards ourselves we can encourage ourselves towards success rather than blame and condemn ourselves towards self-sabotage and procrastination.

As I always say- we need to have our own backs, first and foremostly.

If you want to start on your own here's a list of therapist recommended books and workbooks:

To create more mindful awareness and presence:

The Miracle Of Mindfulness: The Classic Guide to Meditation by the World's Most Revered Master -Thich Nhat Hanh

The Power of Now- Eckhart Tolle

To establish awareness of thoughts, emotions and reactions patterns:

The CBT Workbook: Use CBT to Change Your Life -Stephanie Fitzgerald

To cultivate more self-compassion and self-acceptance:

Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself- Kristin Neff.

Radical Acceptance: Awakening the Love that Heals Fear and Shame - Tara Brach

The Gifts of Imperfection- Brené Brown

Understanding your attachment styles:

Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love - Amir Levine and, Rachel Heller

Wherever you are on your journey is perfect. Sometimes, it can feel like an uphill climb but I assure you the view is worth it. Just starting our inner work in one area helps the other areas to begin to unravel too.

Just know that time spent on yourself isn't selfish but a wonderful gift to all those around you too. Plus, you deserve a bit of me-time, don't you?